April 19, 2023

Maeve McKenna

FYKIAPHOBIA

I write dead eels, limb, salt, choke. I write the stairs are steep.
I write Retreat, with a capital R.
 
Dementia in nursing homes; a manual on the education and training of care staff.
Who tended my father’s itchy nose, his cold feet? I write care, not in capitals.
 
What should I do if every doctor refuses to treat my fear of seaweed?
I write Lexapro, Xanax, weed.
 
I had counselling with a woman who held scissors
between her thumb and index finger like a catapult.
 
It’s snowing. I grieve for black angels.
My mother drank vodka straight. In 1976, the corporation planted 
ash trees outside our front door.
 
In 1989, they shovelled lorries of tarmac onto the roots. 
My brother dragged my mother by the hair through the hall
one Sunday morning. 
 
She was fussing at our ringlets for mass just after.
 
I should revisit my poem about Medusa. I write this in red. 
I write central heating and something I can’t read.
 
Solicitors invest the souls of bereft clients. 
Frogs never make it across the road. I write imagine.
 
The spine of a kitten under the wheel of a car. I held that body 
over the toilet, squeezed the abdomen to empty its bladder.
I write silly kitten, motherhood, Google.
 
Writers’ retreats are overrated. Read on.
 
Esther, who works at the retreat, said I should take the estates High Nelly to Newbliss. 
I bought strange food; twelve bananas, one boil in the bag rice, a net of blood 
oranges, microwave popcorn. (I consider Garamond.)
 
The retreat has a lake but it has lakeweed. Residents swim at their own risk
Is it called lakeweed? I’ll ask someone in the Big House.
I write ask.
 
My father isn’t here to carry me in and out, but
I announce my new name—Fykiaphobia—
to his face on my keyring, keep saying it. I like it. I am sophisticatedly deranged.
 
My father had dementia. Bruises on his arms. My father’s radio went missing.
I went to counselling after the counsellor lady with the scissors.
 
My journal is so close to my elbows my armhair has papercuts.
I don’t write this.
 
My mother smoked Silk Cut Red. She beat us. My mother loved Liz Taylor.
Snow sounds like grief underfoot.
 
If I held a match to my hair, could I burn just my hair?
 
My father’s eyelids lost the blinking reflex three years before he died.
The village shop sells wine and cider.
 
My brother grew his red hair and beard for three years. Didn’t wash.
My brother died two months ago. When I send my sisters emails
Gmail gives me the option to “add” him.
 
If there’s a God, show me him blinking. I write—happy with that line.
Horses are huge. I write about huge horses.
 
The counsellor lady with the scissors told me to cut through the crap.
 
In 1999, council men cut down the trees, left the roots,
the tarmac bulging, shiny.
 
I write single-glazed windows. I write anthracite, condensation, lovehearts.
Why did my mother beat us? I write, occasionally. I write ventilation.
 
My mother is dead all over again. When the parish priest visited 
he wore a herring-bone overcoat, cravat, hand-made Italian shoes.
 
I draw her lips between the lines, pink as my highlighter.
 
My niece stole my mother’s sadness. I write sadness.
I miss my children. The shop sold out of wine.
At night I hear other writers talking.
 
I write ink is the ghost of the white comma. I write slap. I write wrist.
 
For breakfast I make banana pancakes then run 5k into the forest. 
 
A Vauxhall Corsa in a clearing near the woods 
beside Annaghmakerrig lake. I write handbrake. Scribble over it. See!
 
Does lakeweed make me lakeaphobic? I am a. I am the unnecessary ‘a.’
I think of tadpole in my ears. I write amazing(ly). 
 
Mouth ulcers are spitefully soothing. I write milk. I 
write blink. I write Xanthophobia, Otophobia, Ailurophobia
All those.
 

from Rattle #79, Spring 2023
Tribute to Irish Poets

__________

Maeve McKenna: “I have been writing poetry since I was a child. In the Dublin suburb where I grew up, life was about surviving and the idea you could become anything other than a worker seemed fanciful, and so, I wrote poetry in secret for most of my life and dreamed of one day being ‘a poet.’ Many of my poems allude to my childhood years, a deeply traumatic time of revelations and change for the Irish nation. I now write without fear, old enough to be at peace where I find myself these days, living a quiet life in rural Ireland and allowing nature to be the new inspiration in telling the stories I still need to tell.” (web)

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February 14, 2024

Dusty Bryndal

NO EVIDENCE

I was diagnosed with breast cancer.
One month later, my son was hit
and killed by a late model, blue Ford F150 truck.
 
My former therapist said I was being struck
by the perfect storm.
You are in the middle of the perfect storm.
Whatever the fuck that meant.
 
It’s a scary feeling to learn you have cancer.
That goes without saying.
 
Thinking about it took up a lot of my mental energy—
there was a lot of fear and worry, and so many unknowns.
 
Then my son died and of course the cancer took a back seat.
 
At that point my feelings about cancer warped
and turned to anger. I thought it was
the stupid cancer that killed my son.
 
He was determined to go out and skate that day—
the day before my surgery. The day he died.
 
His friends told me this.
That he needed to get out on his board that day.
 
For a long time I chose not to—was determined not to—
write about it. The cancer, I mean. I guess subconsciously
I was trying to obliterate ever even having it.
 
You’ll find very little evidence
of my having cancer
in my journals.
I never posted on social media.
 
I never wrote about how terrifying the whole process
was, or about how sometimes I would stand transfixed,
staring at the huge glass etched sign outside the white brick building
on the corner, in the Upper East Side of Manhattan, that read:
“Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center.”
Cancer Center. I’d stand there, simply frozen, taking in those words.
 
I didn’t write about how appointments
overtook my life. The exhaustion of meeting with so many doctors.
The breast surgeon oncologist, the radiologist,
my general oncologist. The geneticist.
 
I didn’t write about all of the waiting. The agonizing waiting.
 
There was a health food store called Health Nuts:
I would stop in after every appointment to get a shot
of wheatgrass juice, and wonder how many people
from the cancer center two blocks down
had stepped in to get a wheatgrass shot.
 
I never wrote about how scared
I was of passing this on to my daughter.
Would she have to get her ovaries removed?
Her breasts?
 
Would I?
 
It all depended on genetic testing
that took two agonizing weeks to get results.
 
I remember the genetic counselor, her name was Julia.
It almost seemed like she was the type of person
who enjoyed handing out scary shit to people.
 
She told me how my type of cancer could jump
from breast to breast.
That it could possibly turn up in the other breast
before all was said and done.
 
She said that if I had a certain gene,
the cancer could spread to my stomach.
 
I asked her what I would do then?
 
You can’t remove my stomach.
 
I swear there was a gleam in her eye
when she responded: Oh, yes we can.
We can remove your stomach
and give you a manufactured one.
 
I remember going home on that Friday night
after meeting with her. I had had plans to do something,
but canceled. My husband was working late, so I sat alone
on the couch until the sun set and the house got dark,
tired and scared—crying it out before
I could pull myself up to make some dinner.
 
This was before Judah died. I was terrified
that I could pass it on to both children.
 
When I spoke this fear to my doctor, I could barely
choke out the words. But he understood through my sobs
and hand gestures that I was asking
the question: Will I pass this on?
 
I never wrote about the stage my cancer
had reached, 2B. The classification had to do with the size
of the tumor and the fact that it had moved further
into my breast from its original nesting point.
 
You won’t find any evidence of how the doctors
took me into a small conference room
and had me decide which treatment option
I wanted to take—how they showed me twenty years’ worth
of research to help me make my decision.
 
Did I want to do a lumpectomy?
It would preserve most of the breast,
but require radiation treatment.
 
Or, did I want to remove the breast completely,
and possibly not have to do any radiation?
Still I really wouldn’t even know that until they removed
my sentinel nodes during surgery.
 
I just wanted someone to tell me what to do.
 
I never wrote about the surgeon:
the very kind, caring, and good-at-her-job surgeon
with her long blonde hair and gentle hands
 
who was determined to leave my mangled breast
as pretty as possible, as she removed more and more
breast tissue, trying to get clean margins.
 
She had to get my permission to practice
a certain type of stitch that would
leave less scarring.
 
Judah was gone at this point
and I could not convey to her enough
how much I didn’t care.
 
There were student doctors at the cancer center
who took me into yet another small conference room
as my surgeon stood vigil
and asked if they could use my tumor for research.
 
I numbly signed the papers.
Yes, please use my tumor for science.
My kid is dead. I hate everything.
 
I never wrote about how I learned to visualize
my cancer as a black disk in my mind’s eye—
 
to be burned up by a white light.
I would meditate and form the black disc
in my mind and imagine a fire-like light,
 
like the surface of the sun,
slowly making its way over the disc, enveloping it.
 
I visualized the cancer retreating like this, every time
the worry threatened to overtake me. I used this method
while awaiting the results of an oncotype score—
 
the number that tells the doctors how aggressive
a tumor is, and what the likelihood of the cancer
returning would be, and whether I would need chemotherapy.
 
I used this light method again after the surgery
that removed my sentinel node and a few others
to find out if my cancer had spread.
 
Turns out, the cancer was only just beginning to spread.
I had micrometastasis, and hopefully, they said,
they had caught all of the cancerous nodes.
 
Again, the waiting. The waiting.
 
I never wrote about the integrative specialist
who discussed nutrition with me, and all the things
I needed to cut out of my diet now that I was trying
to remain cancer free.
 
Avoid gluten, dairy, sugar, white rice, white flour,
and alcohol, especially hard liquor.
 
She asked me how I would replace butter in my diet.
I looked at her like she was crazy.
I’m southern, I said. So that’s gonna be a no.
 
I was joking and partially relented to using
Earth Balance and coconut oil. But still.
 
I didn’t write about the radiation center
and the nine tiny tattoo dots
that framed the area around my left breast
just below my collar bone and down
 
to the top of my ribs,
made so that the radiation tech
would know exactly
where to direct the machine.
 
I had to learn how to do deep inspiration breath holds
so that I could hold my breath properly during treatment.
They needed my lungs to inflate and push my heart
away from my chest wall so as to decrease the possibility of
radiation damage to my heart.
 
I woke up at 4:45 a.m. and left the house
by 5:45 to make a 7:00 a.m. radiation appointment
in Manhattan.
 
I’d take the F train to Lex Ave and 63rd Street,
close to an hour from home. Some days I’d walk
in the freezing rain or snow, in the still dark morning.
 
All the while, mourning my son’s death.
All the while thinking: Judah, Judah, Judah.
I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.
 
By week two, I had what looked like a sunburn
and I was feeling fatigued after each treatment.
I needed to get ten hours of sleep each night
to feel normal the next day. My New Yorker
walking pace had slowed to the point where I had to tell friends
to slow down because I couldn’t keep up.
 
The radiation oncologist, a tall,
good looking man in a perfectly cut suit and tie,
never told me that I could have what looked
like third degree burns by the time
 
I was done with my five day “boost”
nearing the end of my treatment.
The boost radiation tech
panicked after my third dose,
and sent me to the burn unit.
 
There was a burn unit?
 
Yes, a whole unit dedicated to the burns
that one could incur during radiation. On my last day,
after ringing the bell for making it through,
my breast was so red and raw the tech took
me straight to the unit where a nurse
set me up with bandages, wraps, and silvadene.
 
My treatment was complete right at the beginning of spring break.
I had plans to fly down to Tennessee, and I kept them.
Little did I know that the radiation would continue
to cook my breast.
 
By the time I got there, my entire left breast
and the surrounding area was blistered and on fire.
A two-inch circumference around where my nipple
used to be was a giant, blistery burn.
There were burns under my breast and in my armpit.
 
Eventually my skin sloughed off and there were
open burn sores where the blistered areas had popped.
 
I was on The Farm with my granddaughter
and lifting her up to put her in a swing
on the newly built playground in the woods,
I could feel my skin ripping beneath the bandages.
 
What is wrong with me? I asked myself,
I should be home in my apartment on my couch resting.
I didn’t know it was going to be so bad.
 
Later that evening, I cried in the bathroom
with Judah’s grandmother Mary, as she helped me bandage my burns.
I watched her reflection through the bathroom mirror,
her kind eyes wide as she cried,
Oh Dusty, over and over. Oh Dusty!
 
I didn’t write how deflated the radiologist
looked after walking into the small exam room,
 
a little cocky as he sat down and leaned back
in his chair and stretched his feet out,
so confident as I met with him one year after treatment:
 
This is a time to celebrate, one year cancer free!
What’s to celebrate? I said. My kid is dead.
 

from Rattle #82, Winter 2023
Rattle Poetry Prize Finalist

__________

Dusty Bryndal: “I have written poetry all my life, but began building confidence as a writer and poet when my friend would make me read my poems out loud in her cozy, art-filled living room. I have since found a writing community who taught me that it is OK to write about the raw, ragged details of losing a child and that people want to read about sad things. For the last five years, writing poetry has helped shape my grief and my healing as I navigate the waters of my son’s tragic ending.” (web)

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December 21, 2021

Jean L. Kreiling

TIME IN THE TIME OF CORONAVIRUS

With half our faces covered, and six feet
from most other sources of body heat,
we navigate “new normal” in our own
germ-fearing bubbles, freakishly alone
or feigning human contact via screen,
as months of tragedy make dread routine.
Our past and future both grow vague. The counting
of days confounds us, as the death toll, mounting
obscenely, renders numbers both abstruse
and cruel, and new variants reduce
the quantity of breaths we each might take,
how many years we each might get to make
a life, a home, a work of art, a dent
in our to-do lists. We cannot invent
a kindly clock, and it’s not a surprise
when time turns blurry: it both creeps and flies,
it twists into unmeasured shapes, it flouts
the laws of physics, and threatens redoubts
of certainty and order. Has it been
six months, a year, or two since you were in
a restaurant, a plane, a concert hall?
Since you shook someone’s hand? Can you recall
when you began to forego pedicures?
Like sci-fi movies, this weird life obscures
the clock, the calendar, reality
itself, and though we are apparently
the stars of this film, we’re oblivious—
the ending certainly unknown to us,
the plot a murky, convoluted mess;
the running time is anybody’s guess.

from Poets Respond
December 21, 2021

__________

Jean L. Kreiling: “The surreal quality of pandemic life strains the brain, and recent news of spikes in infections and deaths has exacerbated the stress. While I’m grateful that Covid-19 has not affected me or my loved ones in any dire physical way, I suspect I’m not the only one who feels as if I’m living in some alien universe—some unimaginably difficult world from which I cannot escape, where time (among other things) doesn’t function properly.”

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October 20, 2021

Amlanjyoti Goswami

A NEW BAPU

Would take to Twitter like fish to water
But grow out of it
And use it as a protest tool.
Once in a while, he would take breaks with vows of silence.
He would use the extra time
To sort out, ends and means
The broken strings.
He would be wise to know 
Greed remains greed and power is now
Like electricity, everywhere,
From the clerk to the high heavens.
He would look for a place to start— 
And it would be with himself.
Cleaning the toilet on a weekday, 
Making plants grow with bare hands. 
Not using a sensor to figure it out.
He would be wary of AI, robots, anything that takes the mind away.
They take the soul out, he would say.
But he would take to planes more easily, for the utility.
He would still write letters, with a fountain pen
And send postcards, to children.
He would recycle paper and look inside, for answers. 
He would be worried about
Climate change.
He would pass the street and you wouldn’t even know.
He would travel incognito. 

from Rattle #73, Fall 2021
Tribute to Indian Poets

__________

Amlanjyoti Goswami: “India pervades my experiences and poetry. This is about living, breathing, and thinking deeply about things around me. Where I come from and where I am going. Traditions, histories, ways of seeing, hearing, and knowing. I draw upon rich traditions of Indian aesthetic in my work and am not afraid to cross borders. This is about the neem tree as much as the new Mercedes on the street, busy with street vendors selling you dim sums. There is an aesthetic in all this I wouldn’t find in New York or London. Layers more than strict lines. A lot of colour.”

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August 2, 2021

Amanda Gaines

THERE ARE OTHER THINGS I’D LIKE TO EXPLAIN

As girls, our mother tied us into our Sunday dresses 
like she was solving a math problem. She taught us how to be
still, lifting our spine strings, pretty marionettes,
cheeks palm-print rosy. I’d like to explain why
you’ll want to be held  
by the neck, why the things you don’t say
will line your ribs like blue china.  
I’d like to explain why 
unearned love will feel like the finger of a boy
snapping your first bra strap, 
why that baby copperhead beneath the zucchini leaves
could have killed us faster than its mother. 
I’d like to explain why perfume looks best in round bottles,
why a bee goes where it goes. 
I’d like to explain why when you draw blood 
from him, and him, and the other, 
his expression will look like a sunset.
But for today, blow the dandelion and don’t wish.
Trace the parachute’s descent with a white-gloved hand.
Lift the teacup to your lips, careful. Adjust 
your straw hat. Sit up straight
like your mother taught you. Press a hand to your cheek.
A daydream: in the distance, a house is on fire.
Foxes cry in the night. Or maybe, 
a woman screaming.  

from Rattle #72, Summer 2021
Tribute to Appalachian Poets

__________

Amanda Gaines: “Even when I’m not writing about West Virginia, bits of flora find their way in. I just moved to Oklahoma to get my PhD. The first thing I noticed upon leaving home was how short the trees were, how low-slung the hills ran. That kind of openness leaves little room for mystery. A poem, I think, should be curious. A surprise, a discovery. West Virginia’s landscape lends itself to finding. Most writing has to do with place, at least a little. My whole life has been spent inside Appalachia, and I’m still finding wonder in whippoorwills, in silver minnows, in blackberry thickets along the highway. Now more than ever, I find myself revisiting the mountains in my prose. There’s some strange magic that comes from living in a place so often forgotten, a place hidden. There’s a quiet wildness that can be found in West Virginia. My poetry, at its best, tries to preserve this. Fireflies in a jar, the fuzzy blooms on zucchini, the way red clay dries in cracked hands.”

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October 21, 2021

Ekphrastic Challenge, September 2021: Artist’s Choice

 

The Blood in the Veins by Rachel Slotnick, painting of Maya Angelou with a river flowing through her and hearts

Image: “The Blood in the Veins” by Rachel Slotnick. “Revelations” was written by Sean Wang for Rattle’s Ekphrastic Challenge, September 2021, and selected as the Artist’s Choice.

[download: PDF / JPG]

__________

Sean Wang

REVELATIONS

When she left she was already shadow,
the jet black smudge of history
blurred by the cataracts of 93 years
(or 95, my father said people lied
to immigration, when a year could mean a lifetime
lost). She had a joy
burning through paper skin and bamboo bones like a lantern.
Her cold hands covered in brown spots like an overripe banana.

She was fixed to her bed
by a pair of bad legs and a crinkled back.
Some nights her favourite operas and fried noodles
would only gather the flutter of an eye
and she would recede back, back into some past
purring in her head like the tumble of a washing machine.
It would get quieter, just the ticking of the fan
spinning above, time whirring through air.
She woke/slept, a dusk of days.
The last 5 years flickered train-like,
the sleek pulses of blinkers,
a throbbing twilight of fireflies.
Her train had left, and I stood waiting
at the station, the track gaping through the ground
swallowed by the wall, a denture-less mouth.

But I remember when
the room was bouncing with pitchy singing,
the kitchen burning with spices and bossy orders,
and you, the voice and echo.

I believe, in those days where you would stare
at the ceiling, the glazed eye of a fish in ice,
you were seeing
some slice of heaven spread before you,
the pocket of sky you wait in.

from Ekphrastic Challenge
September 2021, Artist’s Choice

__________

Comment from the artist, Rachel Slotnick: “After reading ‘Revelations,’ I couldn’t shake its spell. It peers through the eyes of the dying in a way that confronts the limitations of living. Here on earth, we look up at the stars and long for there to be a heaven. This poem speaks to the loneliness too many of us have known in the hospice room. It pinpoints the ache of outliving someone, of being left behind, and being tasked with remembering.”

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January 7, 2022

Alison Townsend

BURRITOS IN WISCONSIN

After my brother divorced, he came every summer
to my house in Wisconsin with his kids, making
the long journey from San Francisco to Madison
as if he were coming home, the week with us respite 
in his fractured world. I’d meet them at the foot 

of the escalator for Arrivals—tall blond man 
and his two little kids, Gabe with his tight curls 
and green eyes, Fiona in ringlets and a pink polka 
dot dress, a stuffed toy called “Picture Pig” clutched 
beneath her arm, the family photo encased in plastic 

on its plush flank a perfect quartet of loss. 
The kids ran into my arms before I hugged 
my brother, his blue Oxford-cloth shirt perfectly 
pressed, as if he’d bought it just for the trip. I’d looked 
for signs his kidney disease was worse—his face 

drawn, hairline receding, the skin on his hands 
and arms onion paper thin after decades on steroids. 
When we hugged, a little shy at first, I felt Peter 
relax, his gruff guard coming down. All week 
we did summer things—swimming for hours, 

catching fireflies at dusk, visiting caves and steam
trains and farms where the kids fed baby goats bottle 
after bottle of milk as if there were no end to plenty. 
All week, my brother, who’d caught Epstein-Barr 
from a patient and couldn’t recover, slept until noon. 

And all week, I cooked, especially my burritos, 
with their creamy spinach filling, yellow rice, 
and a crisp salad his favorite. “This is so good,” 
he’d say. “This is the best food I’ve ever had.” 
I thought of his words after he died, as I searched 

his house, looking for papers I needed to manage 
his affairs. A stray page from his disability claim 
application documented fears he’d be unable to care 
for his children—true at the end, though they 
were older by then—he barely able to rise 

from the living room bed, the house stinking 
of garbage and piss, loneliness thick as dust, 
despair I can’t forget, no matter how hard I try 
to shake it off. I want to remember us the way 
we were those summers, late sunlight warming

our faces, the picnic table covered with the red 
and white checked cloth, vases of cone flowers 
and Queen Anne’s lace picked by the kids, first 
stars just coming out, the yard filled with fireflies. 
And my brother, eating one burrito after another, 

filled for a moment with everything he needed.

from Rattle #73, Fall 2021

__________

Alison Townsend: “‘Burritos in Wisconsin, is part of a series of poems I’m writing about my late brother, who died of kidney failure at age sixty-four in 2019. A doctor himself, he was a model of grace and courage, and had one of the longest lasting kidney transplants in the world. The poem arose from various memories (especially about cooking) of the times he visited me in Wisconsin. Siblings can, I think, become homes for one another in adulthood. The poem articulates my hope that I was that for him, while bearing witness to the difficulty and loneliness of his passing. Grief crystallizes things. This is one of the few poems I’ve ever written that came nearly whole, as if dictated.”

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