“Seasons Tweetings” by Melissa Balmain

Melissa Balmain


to the tune of “I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day

I heard the buzz on Christmas Day—
A Twitter storm was underway.
Alarmed and peeved, our prez believed
He had important things to say:

Don’t hesitate! Don’t think! Don’t pause!
The time has come for major laws
To regulate a guy I hate:
The loser known as Santa Claus.

He cuddles little girls and boys,
with promises of sweets or toys.
That perv appalls! (Just southern pols
Deserve to have their sicko joys.)

He’s not in NAFTA, yet exports
Dolls, teddy bears and cocoa—quarts—
Untaxed! (Such breaks are huge mistakes
Except for mega-wealthy sorts.)

But wait: there’s more. I’ve heard some hints
He makes illegal “peppermints,”
Then sneaks them here inside his deer—
undocumented immigrants!

It’s time to fund another wall
A couple thousand miles tall
And just as deep to keep this creep
From coming to your local mall.

(What if he still gets in? Of course
We’ll need to take him down by force.
And then—you know, Guantánamo.
We can’t show Reindeer Man remorse.)

It’s true, some idiots insist
that Santa Claus does not exist,
and I’m a nut for griping—but
I want him on the No-Fly List!

from Poets Respond
December 25, 2017


Melissa Balmain: “Pompous notes don’t pair well with parodies, but I can’t resist mentioning that the song behind this spoof (originally a poem written by Longfellow in 1863) reflects the strangeness of Christmastime in a country at war with itself.” (web)

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