July 14, 2022

Glenn Morazzini

SONNY’S SONG

“Someday, they’re gonna write a blues
song just for fighters,” he once said.
“I’ll be for slow guitar, soft trumpet,
and a bell.”
—Sonny Liston, in
King of the World by David Remnick

As a kid I carried fields on my back,
sharecropper’s black cotton, when daddy
wasn’t hoeing welts on it with a strap.
Ran away, at 13, traced mama’s
roadless map of hope, to St. Louis,
an assembly line, shoe factory,
her heart, a piece of stitched leather.
slow guitar, soft trumpet, and a bell

On the streets I sold ice. I sold coal.
Slaughtered chickens under a blood-leaking
roof. But hunger is a hard habit to kick,
so I packed 200 pounds, 6 feet,
into fists and cashed their threats
in strangers’ faces for money’s meat.
By 22, same fists cuffed me
to the Missouri penitentiary, where,
gloved in the gym, Father Stevens
taught me to hurt others, legally.
slow guitar, soft trumpet, and a bell

17 straight wins, then Floyd Patterson
sucked canvas at my feet, but whose champion?
No mayor handed me the gold key,
or kid’s marching school band played
when I stepped off the plane in Philly.
I was still the gorilla in the ring,
a cage, white bars of stars and stripes
made in the U.S. of A.
slow guitar, soft trumpet, and a bell

Though Geraldine, her body a silk robe,
waited at home, and James Brown
screamed “Night Train” refrains
on the gym’s stereo, pumped me
to hit the speed bag, skip rope, spar miles—
something inside quiet, before Clay,
seventh round, Miami, jabbed me still.
Thought he was all mouth, but the man’s
hands backed up his flashy lip. Now,
I’d unslave his name, call him Ali.
soft guitar, slow trumpet, and a bell

The rest you know you don’t know:
did the mob, or a bad cop, tie
my arm to the white balloon of heroin
I finally rode out of Vegas-town,
or did I off myself, like an old felon.
You didn’t care if I lived,
why do you care how I died?
I’ll tell you when I see you in hell.
soft guitar, slow trumpet, and a bell

from Rattle #26, Winter 2006
Rattle Poetry Prize Honorable Mention

__________

Glenn Morazzini: “I was doing research for a poem on the boxer Ali, plowing through Remick’s King of the World, when I was struck by Sonny Liston’s words and story, and in the end he came away with the song.”

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March 28, 2022

Ann Giard-Chase

ENCEPHALON

I remember her smile—quick and fleeting
on the day she arrived in the EEG Lab.
She was tentative, curious, quizzical.
What’s wrong with me? she asked.

She knew the drill, understood I’d fasten
electrodes like tiny ears to her scalp, connect
a wiggle of wires to the EEG machine
as she lay on the gurney and I began to calibrate,

roll the paper across the console, wake
the stainless steel pens. This was a long time ago.
I was young; it was my first job and only a few
years before the CAT scan and MRI began

dragging the heavy iron lid off the human brain.
For millenniums, the brain lay buried,
hidden like an ornate jeweled sarcophagus
until the bony inflexible bowl that holds

the “crux of you” suddenly fell prey to the prying
eyes of magnets, radio waves, and x-ray beams.
But what did I know then of the brain and disease?
And what did this young woman know of me?

I was nameless to her, just another hospital
tech conducting another test. Yet, fear staggered
around in my gut; I was afraid of what the EEG
might find in her cranium, the dark forest

of a hundred billion cells, branches, and roots.
They have their language, a chatter of whispers,
hums, and roars. They send messages to each other
that rise and fall in waves. I heard a faint click

as the EEG began to transmit the brain’s voltage
into a clatter of pens, scribbling the ancient dialect—
alpha, beta, delta, and theta waves across the page.
Down, over, and through the brain’s plump

hemispheres, the fissures, the lobes,
the wires and threads, the knots of neurons
and convoluted folds the EEG went, winding
its way through the rhythm and resonance,

the oscillations and cacophony. The brain
too has its instruments—an ensemble
of percussion, strings, and brass. Every
now and then, the keyboards chime in.

But what lurked? What crouched in the dark?
What shadow lay awake in some spiny crevice
plotting against this young woman, the least
of her dreams still wingless within her?

I kept going, eager to complete the test, quell
her fears, and have the neurologist scrawl
within normal limits” across the EEG report.
I stared at the paper; her brain was spelled out

before me like the score of a vast symphony,
alpha and beta waves scurrying up-tempo,
brisk and lively in the opening sonata as she
lay awake. Soon, an adagio of delta waves

came waltzing by, swirling like petticoats
across the page as she drifted into a dreamless,
drowsy haze. Next came the stately minuet
of REM, her eyes dancing back and forth

as she dreamed in three-quarter time.
The test was nearly over. So far, so good.
Everything looked normal. I could relax again.
Suddenly! a stray beat, a wrong note, the strings

were playing out of tune, the snares drumming
in a waning staccato, tick … tick … tick …
like the stroke of time winding down.
When I saw it lurking in its deep trench,

I knew it for what it was. The EEG pens
vaulted out of control, surged into a rondo of spikes
resembling tuning forks bolted upright.
Tumor! Tumor! Tumor! screeched the EEG

as the pens feverishly scribbled their ill-fated
news across the page. No! No! No!
I felt as if I were caught in an undertow—
some dark wave pulling me under, some

jaws clenching in the tide. I saw both of us
teetering on a rock ledge and me reaching out
with both arms trying desperately to pull
her back. Too young, I was shouting to myself,

the sound of my inner voice like the shriek of metal
being sliced or the way thunder drags
itself across a bruised sky, a vibration, a low
frequency swell upon which I floated with fear

and recognition. I never saw her again. Perhaps
in time, a decision was made and she was wheeled
down some long, sterile corridor into a miracle,
and somewhere she combs her daughter’s hair,

packs lunches, drops the kids off at school, drives
to work. Or there is that tragic song that plays over
and over again; you know what I mean. I thought of her
often as I wound my way through my own years,

how her life had brushed against mine, soft as a bassoon,
teaching me life’s unending refrain, the rhythm of time
that spirals on and on, and fate—the dark flame
flowing past us like a river, heartless and infinite.

from Rattle #74, Winter 2021
Rattle Poetry Prize Winner

__________

Ann Giard-Chase: “The title of this poem, ‘Encephalon,’ denotes the upper part of the central nervous system that resides inside the human skull. When I graduated from college years ago, I worked as a registered EEG (electroencephalography) technologist in the neurology department of a major hospital. Patients of all ages and disease states came and went, presenting with a variety of symptoms to be analyzed by attaching electrodes to the patient’s head and recording their brain’s electrical activity. Based on this data, neurologists were able to detect certain brain abnormalities since brain waves change as a function of disease states. Being young myself, I was especially saddened when a young woman whose EEG I conducted was diagnosed with a brain tumor. I hadn’t dealt with early death or the potential for early death at this time in my life, and it impacted me greatly, and I never forgot her.”

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March 25, 2022

Dick Westheimer

MY FATHER TRANSFORMED BY DYING

I sat with him alone in the hospice room.
The breathing machine noises made a nap-drowse 
muddle of me and I nearly lost sight of his star receding 
from here to some galaxy far from where he was, 
a place utterly unlike the stern man I knew, 
who was so cool to the touch. He would often 
cite Kant—that it was better to think than feel, 
until he suffered a private revival on learning 
of his cancer, a death sentence in three quick acts.
He asked me to call him “Pop” rather than “Father,” 
his feelings, new, under siege—he, now, less a man 
and more a near naked patient with no room to move 
but away, as he became less “star” and more a small 
part of an unknown galaxy, warm in the night sky.

from Rattle #74, Winter 2021
Rattle Poetry Prize Finalist

__________

Dick Westheimer: “Like most of the poems I write, this one surprised me as it unfolded. I began with three words written at the top of my page: ‘galaxy,’ ‘incongruous,’ and ‘cool.’ What emerged was a reflection about my father, who died almost 25 years ago. A bonus surprise (poetic turn?) came when I shared it with my sisters—neither readers of poetry. Image after image (sometime more from the universe of Truth rather than that of fact) prompted the recounting of long set-aside memories of our father—mostly experiences unique to one or another of us—which we shared for the first time.”

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March 23, 2022

Zella Rivas

PURGATORIO

It goes like this:

Two girls sit in a room and talk about God. 
I’m one of the girls. You’re the other. 

We don’t love each other and we don’t have a door.

All we have are bruises and bleeding noses and broken ribs because
maybe we fought at the beginning a bit too much, but, in hindsight, 
you shouldn’t have called me a coward
and I shouldn’t have called you all bravado. 

At least you stopped calling me a coward.
At least my lip stopped bleeding an hour ago. 

You think you look tough, I think you look like I punched you
because that’s what happened. 

Anyway, that was the beginning. Now we’re talking about God. 

Praying tastes like blood, I tell you. 
No, you say, you’re doing it wrong. Don’t breathe while you do it
and it won’t taste like anything. 
It’s supposed to be something. 
Yeah. Not blood. So stop biting your lips
or stop breathing. Your choice, sweetheart. 
I feel like there’s a third option but I don’t say that. 
I wouldn’t know what it is. 

Besides, you called me sweetheart. That isn’t allowed. 

* * *

It goes like this: 

Two girls sit in a room with no door. 
Both of the girls are you this time. 

You don’t call each other sweetheart, 
because you call each other darling. 
You love yourself, 
so you love each other. 

There’s a lot more fighting this time. 

Neither of you win. 

* * *

It goes like this:

Two girls sit in a room and talk. 
I’m one of the girls. You’re the other. 

We’re the same girl. 

We don’t love each other because
we sort of hate each other
and we don’t have a door. 

We still have bruises and bleeding noses and broken ribs because
we fought, in the beginning, and we’re probably going to fight again
because you still think I’m a coward
and I still think you’re all bravado. 

We have an understanding. We always have. 
We don’t get along but we need each other 
like the paring knife needs the fruit. 
I don’t have any bravado and you don’t have any fear. 
Except I do, and you do, because we’re the same girl. Remember? 

We’re talking because that’s better than looking at one another. 
It gets worse at night, I tell you, 
but my clock is stuck at midnight. 
You don’t offer to fix it because I didn’t ask and, besides, 
You’ve never been very good at fixing anything. 
Let’s talk about something else, you say,
but I ignore you because 
I’ve never been very good at listening to you. 
It gets worse at night, I tell you, 
but I don’t know what anything other than midnight looks like. 

You don’t say it was never good in the day either, 
you don’t say midnight and midday look the same on a clock, 
you don’t say nothing ever matters because nothing ever changes, 
you don’t say we’re not getting anywhere, sweetheart,
you don’t say I need us to start getting somewhere and 
I hate you for not letting us. 

You want to say those things because 
you’ve never been good at fixing things
but you’ve always been good at breaking them. 
You don’t say them because you’re all bravado. 
I don’t make you because I’m a coward. 

You don’t have to because we’re the same girl. 

We’re in a room with no door
and the clock is broken 
and when we fight next time 
I hope you win. 

I hope you win, 
but I’m not going to let you.

from Rattle #74, Winter 2021
Rattle Poetry Prize Finalist

__________

Zella Rivas: “The poem is inspired by my experiences growing up and living with mental illness that is incurable and has never not been part of me. It is a difficult experience to describe, but poetry allows us to share experiences of the most inexplicable and human sort even as it allows us the room to further understand ourselves, and it does so with beauty. Poetry is, to me, a beautiful and essential medium through which to participate in this world.” (web)

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March 21, 2022

L. Renée

EXODUS: GILLIAM COAL CAMP, WEST VIRGINIA, 1949

Lee, Russell, 1903-1986, Photographer

Oh, Mary, don’t you weep
Martha, don’t you mourn
Pharaoh’s army drowned in the Red Sea
Oh, Mary, don’t you weep.
—Aretha Franklin

On the day before Junior Mary
graduated high school, she told
her mother Mary she wanted to
serve and protect, not in a maid’s

or nanny’s uniform, but in Army
greens. At seventeen, she wanted
to witness something other than coal
and dirt and mountains and trees—

something as infinite as water
surrounding them islands she had
seen in her mama’s Lifetime
magazines—God’s green earth

not besmirched by dark dust, dark
rocks awakened from millennia
of rest by explosives. The ocean’s
cerulean gloss sparkled like a sequin

dress Junior Mary sought to slink in.
She imagined the water’s cool kiss
pecking her skin, how free it must be
to float and not feel your own heavy

labor, a body beyond debt, a mind
without worry. She imagined the security
of military wages that didn’t nickel
and dime you like coal bosses did:

a fee for electricity, a fee for fuel coal,
a fee for doctor’s visits, a fee for blacksmiths
to maintain the sharpness of metal picks,
a fee for oil to put in a miner’s lamp—

deductions subtracted from every pay day
leaving you in the red or with meager
balances. She did the math, gave her mama
enlistment papers to sign. Big Mary did not

weep. The family had had enough domestic
work; the military wasn’t no different.
You’d still be cleanin up some white folks’
messes, Big Mary had said. The Army

wasn’t no place for a Black woman.
After all, Truman had just let women in
last year. How a Black woman gonna
protect a country that ain’t never cared

about her years of service, the many
generations of Black women who worked
without pay until they were dishonorably
discharged into soil. At least in these hills,

everybody knew who the white Devil was:
the coal company’s lust for money traded
for breath, just like them slavery-time
body-snatchers, who smuggled cadavers,

drenched them in whiskey
for preservation, to be used by medical
schools, the Black body always traded
in a black market, always a price—

the only thing named—attached to
the toe. Round these hills, everybody
came out black and poor after a day’s
work. You could call a mountain

a mountain, a spade a spade.
Your faith might convict you to say
move, and you might could see
some version of the Red Sea parting

your troubles with a lucky lotto pick.
You knew you could sit anywhere
on the bus Mr. Dick Arnold drove
from coal camp to coal camp,

that you could stand in the same line
as white folks at the company store
where y’all all bought the same milk jugs
and coffee tins for the same price,

which would be deducted from weekly
wages if put on credit, or paid for by scrip,
all of which replenished that devil’s coffers
again. At least in these hills, you could holler

when the fire broke out and trust
somebody would hear your screams,
watch neighbors dash for ladders, pass
well-bucket water from one man down

a line to the next, put out the threat
with dozens of hands, dozens of mouths
crying out to the God of Moses, the staff
of their tongues parting flame from wood,

smoke curling up nostrils like frankincense,
or some other burnt offering of praise
for that half of roof that could be saved,
at least on that night when the gas lamp

wick licked Big Mary’s cotton drapes
and made ashes of the pale pink roses
patterned upon them. Big Mary did not
weep, for she knowed the pride of

an honest day and the sorrow in it too.
Another day’s journey when somebody
ain’t turn up dead was something to give
thanks for, when a girl barely old enough

to sign her own wedding papers ain’t made
a widow like Martha, staring off at the tipple
’spectin to see her man there by the rail car,
but jarred back to the present when she hears

coal pinging the metal containers like rain,
like the fat wet blanket that made dirt slick
and muddy, a bad sign the girl had told
her man, begged her man to stay home

on what was his last day on earth, and like
a man fixin to feed his family, he did not
listen, and now he was in the earth, buried
deep inside earth’s muddy pocket, tucked

away and maybe rocked in the rocks
that swung low and carried him home
in that ol’ shiny chariot that did not drown
in the Red Sea. At least in these hills, death

had an address and if you listened hard
enough, looked for the signs in dreams,
it rarely could put the sneak on ya.
But Junior Mary ain’t want her mama’s

at least, she wanted the most, the brightest
city lights that couldn’t be snuffed out
by a poor mouth exhalin what little air
had been waitin in dim hallways

of blackened lungs, rattlin like an ol’
car engine that can’t turn over, can’t do
nothin but whir and whine and grind
and click, the bad starter of it all,

the bad start for which there is no
replacement part, just chains of title
chains of parents bought and sold,
bought and resold, souls wore out by

the wear and tear, their bodies counted
as coins in accountant’s books and
insured in policies you still can find
online by typing words like Slavery Era

Insurance Registry California or Aetna
Slave Insurance or Nautilus Mutual
Life Insurance on Slaves or U.S. Life
Insurance on Slaves, where you might

discover another Martha, age 14, a house
girl valued at $1,000, or Ann, age 15,
valued at $1,000, or Amanda, age 15,
valued at $1,000 or Henry, a blacksmith,

age 19, valued at $1,200, on January 13,
1860, when Charles Meyer, the slaveholder,
bought himself some insurance on who he
thought he owned for a term of two months,

and the insurance agent, David Bishop,
added a hand-written note that Aetna would
not be liable for any consequences arriving
from smallpox or exposure to the same

arriving to any of the above mentioned slaves
who have not been vaccinated, should they be
moved from Missouri to the South
by steamboat during the policy’s term,

because Black folks always get forced
to migrate for white men’s enterprises,
and rarely do people call those enterprises
what they are: blood banking, because

a Black person always loses their life from
that exposure, the deadly accruals in arriving
to any place without consequences, without
a claim to your one and only life,

your balance sheet constantly in the red,
indebted to a system that hangs freedom
like bait from a rod that spoils the child
into thinking what they could be spared

from on something as flimsy as freedom
papers and a new address, on something
as flimsy as enlistment papers and a new
address, but I’m digressing now, Junior

Mary ain’t know all that. Still perhaps
her bones quaked with all her ancestors’
bodies, the body’s inheritance, all the molecules
that give instruction, messages rising up

on silken arm hairs like goose pimples,
beloveds whispering, as they do to flesh,
telling her to let Pharaoh’s coal go, to flee
the dirt roads as black as the night sky,

as blue-black as Big Mary’s heart would be
in the morning when she found the note
left by the ol’ coal stove: Mama, I’m leaving
on a bus with Martha to Ohio. They got more

opportunities up there and she got an aunt
we can stay with. Don’t be mad. Love you.
Mary wept.

from Rattle #74, Winter 2021
Rattle Poetry Prize Finalist

__________

L. Renée: “This poem emerged while I was conducting genealogical research on my maternal family’s migration from the tobacco fields of Southwest Virginia to the coal mines of Southern West Virginia to Ohio, where I was born. I was stunned to find a photograph of my Aunt Mary inside the Gilliam Mine company store in the National Archives’ collection. I was and am taken by her gaze directly at the camera, which was attempting to capture her. Photographer Russell Lee took several photographs of the coal camp where my family lived, and I shared them with elders while I collected oral histories. At the same time, I learned about insurance policies on enslaved people that had been digitized and made available online through some local disclosure laws. While scrolling through them, I discovered a policy on a 14-year-old girl named Martha. I had a physical reaction. I thought of all the ways Black girls becoming women are surveilled and catalogued. I thought of all the ways we dream of and work toward creating our own escape routes. Then I heard Aretha telling me not to weep, though I did. I’m perpetually humbled by the sacrifice of ancestors who endured so much to make us possible. This poem is an attempt to render them, especially Black Appalachians often excluded from the narrative, visible.” (web)

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March 18, 2022

Erin Murphy

THE INTERNET OF THINGS

(n.): the networking capability that allows information to be sent and received by objects and devices

The low tide riverbed silt 
of things. The cloud-swept 

distant hill of things. 
The open bedroom window 

in spring of things. 
The moonlit cricket 

symphony of things. 
The pitter-patter 

tin roof rain of things. 
The fifty-year marriage 

loose skin of things. 
The clipped winter light 

of things. The stippled lymph 
node of things. The grief. 

Oh—the grief. The brief 
ecstatic flight of things. 

from Rattle #74, Winter 2021
Readers’ Choice Award Winner

__________

Erin Murphy: “I grew up in a home where two newspapers a day were delivered to our front stoop: one in the morning, the other in the evening. I credit this with my interest in the news, which led to an early job as news editor of a daily paper and even now inspires many of my poems. Reading a business article that mentioned the technology term ‘the Internet of Things’ (or ‘IoT’) last summer, I began thinking about our other collective experiences—the natural world, relationships, death—and about William Carlos Williams’ pronouncement, ‘No ideas but in things.’” (web)

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March 16, 2022

Mary Meadows

WHITE PRIVILEGE SKYDIVES WITH BLACK GUY IN APPALACHIA

While escaping Hillbilly Days in Eastern Kentucky
I learn “tandem jump,” and, years later, “Shibboleth”

We sit at the fold-out tables in a gray room at the airport
on the hill, where the coal mine barons store their private jets
and fly to places that aren’t “locked”
between 
       mountains.
And they       tell us to watch a video about the buckles
on our suits, how to pop our ears while falling
and lift our legs high enough
              so our butts
sandpaper the ground.
                     Don’t land       on your feet,
but if you do, try to walk it out. It’s best
to ass-
       bump it.
And this       salty blond surfer-looking dude
chews a toothpick, then eyes us down—
(like he’s picking a puppy
       at the pound).
And he        slaps the table with the palm of his hand;
Why the heck—(he smirks)—
why the heck would someone who’s sane
              jump 
            out
of a perfectly good 
                  airplane?
And when we               look at each other—Dude
screams back,               ’Cause,               you fools,
you left the dang door 
                     open!
And we laugh, and he laughs 
              from his gut,
                        then assigns me to this thin
black
       guy,
               and I’m not sure 
                         he’s strong enough to hold me up.
I’ve gained a few pounds 
              and this jumpsuit’s too tight.
So I        try to breathe and smile
at the same time.
And with his hands, he tugs
buckles on my back        
              and near that 
sacred 
              between my legs. 
And there’s Aunt               Betty, again,
and her finger tick tocks       in front of me,
like we’re swimming at the Breaks and she says I can’t
swing out
       on that rope.
              And I realize I’m twenty-five
and I’ve never been this close to a black person before,
and I think back to grade school and high school 
and—No.        There were none.
In college,       they were the ones
on               ball teams,
but they weren’t 
              in my classes.
Then, I bend over to tie my shoe, and there’s Amy— 
who was        half my age       when she lived next door to my sister
in that trailer park when I was in the fifth 
       or sixth grade.
So, now, I’m at a picnic table—book open—and, we just learned
in school how old Abe
                      freed
              those
          slaves.
And I know 
       something
    mean 
happened to them,
but they never               really              explained it. 
And I know they have this other
                            skin, I think,
              from this other
place,               and I know they were beaten and sold,
but I don’t know
What.
That.
Means. 
And Amy is so cute with her hair
back              like that,       and that sunny smile
and little butterfly 
              earrings.
But she       wants to play, and she’s jumping
on my back and she pulls me 
       from my seat.
And I’m on the ground and she screams,
       jumping up and down above me.
I stand up and sit back down,
and she’s        pecking my shoulders,
tugging
       my shirt.
And I just want to do a good job on this test
I’m studying for, so I’m writing all the dates of things
       that happened.
And she won’t stop tug-
                     hugging my neck.
Her finger slips and she scratches 
              my skin.       —And it just
blurts
       out. 
What? Do you 
think I’m a slave,
              or something?
And her face
       —its light—
melts like 
       sun bows to night
on the west side
of the mountain.
And when I see my shoes on the floor in this room,
I remember I never saw her after that because she
                                   moved
                            away.
And—for a second—I’m that stringy-headed cow,
again, who’s smacked in the head like a dog
while being told You’re mangy.
                        You
              filthy
       thing
And I swallow the muck
       and look up—              And that guy
who touched me              tells me I’m Good to go, Girl,
then points to the door where the plane waits
to take
       us up. 
And I feel it resist              that thrust
from the earth.               Then I feel the lift
that starts in my stomach,        then belches in waves
to my brain. 
              And after a while, he tethers me 
       to his body
and I am a key               on a ring
attached to a wire line              that stretches
across the tops of our heads.
              And I look around for the others,
but they’re not there, and I        don’t want to go,
but I feel his legs behind my thighs,
                            push-walking my left,
then my right,              to the door—wide open— 
where wind is cussing
              and I want to say, No
wait!
       But it throws a fist       at me, and he says, 
Are you ready? And I want to say Hell        yeah!
or something even better,
                     but all I can muster is Okay
No!
       Wait!
And then this hurricane
              shoves me—and the plane and time
and everything is        gone,
and it’s just cold sky and different shades of green
and their open ’chutes—
       
                     Plucked petals.
Poured.
                     From a cup.
And I’m looking through a glass at a painting—Oh my
God!—And then I’m a rock that dives off the edge 
of some        waterfall,
watching everything that splattered
                     before
                  I came.
And I keep saying Ohmy       God! And I keep telling myself, This is
       it!
And I wonder what God would say of my jumping 
like this. 
       Would I be 
              the fool
or the wiser?
       And a man in a yellow suit with a camera buzzes out
in front of me. Gives me a thumbs up; stretches his mouth wide,
with
      fingers,
into a smile.
              But I can’t—
                     can’t move my arms or legs
because the wind is fierce 
and it feels like I’m falling, and that push 
is the hand that holds me up—And I don’t want to
              break
               it.
He smiles and spreads his arms like wings
and I try to do that, and then I perk up my thumbs.
       But I can’t feel my wrists 
anymore and I don’t know
if I’m              breathing.
Then, there’s this yank, and, now,
I know
       I’m alive, 
and I look down,
       and the painting has leaves and trees
                                   with long brown
trunks;
       and I see a road where ants drive toy cars
and move sand                            on sidewalks.
And this guy on my back is steering in circles, 
       and I am 
              the hawk.
I lower my beak to watch rabbits, and they dunk 
under bushes, 
              so,
                  I am
       the moth.
And they get bigger and closer, and I become
       a thunderstorm
that screams              in the distance,
then sneaks up and pounds
                     on the porch—
until I can’t feel God anymore, but I really want to
because I’m near the base of this drop
and I’m sure it’s full of rocks
and I know I’m gonna hit—
And the trees that were once 
smaller than me
       stretch until they tower
over grass; 
       and I can’t stop watching them reach
for        what I came from,
                     until I bump my rump
       and shake my head and blink
my eyes.
       And this       guy on my back,
who’s, now,              by my side;
reaches over and throws me a high five,
                                   so I
breathe
       and put my feet on the ground
to stand up—
       And something 
                      in me
                                    is wailing— 
                    
                     So I
       step back to smile—       And,
       for a second,              it’s like
       we’re alone,              making love,
       and we speak              with our eyes—
       So I wrap him up       like he’s part 
       of my                      breathing.
And when the           others       come,
I step back and fold up his eyes
and I stuff them down—
                     Down,
                            in my pocket,
                                   where
                                         Sweet.
                                          Beautiful.
                                                   Amy.
                                                      Cries.
And he        and I—         we
hold out our hands to show them how not
nervous        we are—       And I—
       I 
       Am!
And I look, again, at this        Black Guy by my side
and I—
       
       —dammit!
I am the ant.
       That fell. 
From a leaf. 

from Rattle #74, Winter 2021
Rattle Poetry Prize Finalist

__________

Mary Meadows: “I can’t go back and change what I said to ‘Amy’ when we were kids, but I hope it brings her solace to know that there’s a part of me that’s hated myself ever since. I think of her sometimes and I worry that this memory haunts her like it haunts me. I hope it doesn’t. I hope she was too young to remember it. And, if not, I hope it was the only time in her life that she ever had to deal with something like that. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry. I wish I could go back and fix it, but I can’t.”

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