TO THE MAN ABOUT TO PUT THE LAMPSHADE ON HIS HEAD
it’s not funny
no matter how much scotch we drink
it’s not funny
the only way you can top yourself at the next party
is to enter in a floral print dress lipstick and heels
and that’s even more not funny than the lampshade
so as you finger the fringe on the shade of the table lamp
mustering the courage or more likely squelching your dignity
let us follow the natural progression of your un-comedic arc
you will don the lampshade and say I feel lightheaded
followed by Get it Get it
and then a limerick about the man off the coast of Cape Cod
which we’ve all heard a thousand times before
but some of the men will make the mistake
of giving you an obligatory chuckle
which will only make you try harder
which is even more less funny
then all the women will turn away and in sync roll their eyes
your wife will leave the room and the men will fan away saying
Classic you
when your wife returns with your coat on her arm
she’ll jingle the keys at you and say Roger Come
and you’ll sheepishly walk to the door
keeping the lampshade on as you wave goodbye
and all the men will bend slightly in sympathy pain
and all the women will start to clean up the bar
—from Rattle #48, Summer 2015
__________
Ken Wagner: “I’ve stumbled through life as a great gawker of odd little moments. Moments mostly comprised of my own foolishness or my perception of someone else’s embarrassment. While amusing, I always wondered what they were good for. I found Hoagland and Olds, Kooser, and read all of Wagoner and the other masters, which helped me understand those moments presented to me were possible poems knocking at my door.”
