6. Redeem a lifetime of earnest prayer for one (1) bad-ass miracle
7. Drunk-dial your ex
8. Knock your teeth out one by one and put them inside a maraca, then scare the virus away with your snazzy, impeccable rhythm
9. Crack a dodo bird egg and drink it raw
10. Wrap your body in tin foil, like a burrito
11. Wrap your body in dental floss, like a mummy
12. Smile more often, while flagellating yourself
13. Shave your head and boil all the hairs; serve with tomato sauce and parsley
14. Dose your pets with LSD and see if they think up an out-of-the-box solution
15. Huff some toothpaste
16. Have a staring contest with a taxidermied moose
17. There’s always spontaneous combustion
18. When all else fails, steal the virus’s identity, max out all its credit cards, then marry it so it can’t testify against you
19. Did you try turning yourself off and on again?
*The author doesn’t recommend any of these activities; he’s just wondering out loud if they might work and/or being sarcastic. Quoting him, in or out of context, shall be construed as proof of bias. The U.S. Surgeon General advises forgetting everything you just read.