February 16, 2024

Isabella DeSendi

ELEGY FOR TÍO LAZARO

Because he was already dying, he figured
there was no harm in huffing through 2 or 3 cigarettes
 
in the early morning before my mother would wake—
the animal of his thin, brown body lassoed
 
to an oxygen tank. Because he didn’t have papers
we had to drive two hours to retrieve the tank
 
from a discount store in Ocala
where my mom had to pay
 
out of pocket for air that would be filtered
from a rocket-ship shaped canister
 
into a tiny tube three times the size of a vein
directly into the soggy, plastic bags of my tio’s
 
stalling lungs just so he could drink cafecitos
& play crossword puzzles or the lottery
 
while we sat around in the kitchen
wondering how long we could keep him alive.
 
My mom was elbow deep in dishwater
when the letter came
 
denying our appeal for his citizenship.
No, he could not get Medicare.
 
Yes, he would have to go back after living
50 years in this country. This country,
 
where, at 20, he learned to fix engines
in chop shops and likened himself
 
to a surgeon—saying any man with purpose could fix
any broken thing if he simply tried hard enough.
 
Entiendes sobrina? It’s why God gave us hands.
Sometimes, I like to imagine him in the garage
 
surrounded by brutal heat and moonlight,
the broken chair under him barely keeping
 
itself together while he held metal chunks
in his hands like a heart, wondering where
 
it all went wrong, believing enough screws
could put it all back. Of course, this was after he fell
 
in love with a woman in Kentucky,
dreamt of being a local politician
 
and with that same American sense of disillusion,
grandeur—discovered heroin: the god he’d worship
 
until he felt nothingness, & after nothingness
the dull edge of sobriety, the death of his American wife
 
which meant the death of food stamps, which meant the death
of a life that allowed him to lay on the roof of his car
 
while he smoked Marlboros and recited constellations:
Andromeda, Aquilus, Ursa major, Ursa minor
 
which made him feel just as smart as the white men
he swept for. Aren’t our lives just simple constellations
 
made up of many deaths? Yes, someone in an office
in a building in this country decided no, he could not
 
get medical care. No, he could not stay.
Two nights later, Lazaro woke from a dream
 
screaming aliens were coming to get him.
That their ship was hovering over the house.
 
The light so bright he couldn’t see my mom’s hands
as she helped him back to bed. The next night he died.
 
Milky Way: one answer on yesterday’s crossword puzzle.
You can’t tell me the dying don’t know
 
when their time is coming.
The tip of the letter, still sticking out
 
of my mom’s black purse like a cigarette
already flickering gone.
 

from Rattle #82, Winter 2023
Rattle Poetry Prize Finalist

__________

Isabella DeSendi: “I wrote this poem after telling two of my poet friends the story of my tio’s death, including his vision of being abducted by aliens just days after we’d received the news about his deportation. My mom was still trying to figure out how to fight the government’s decision, how to break the news. My friends and I were huddled in a small circle during the intermission of a reading when I decided to share the story with them. One friend, Cat, turned to me and said, ‘Bella, this is a poem.’ She was right. This piece is an elegy for my tio, but it’s also a lamentation for immigrants in this country—and ultimately a song of praise for my mother, whose strength, generosity, and capacity for enduring I am constantly in awe of.” (web)

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February 14, 2024

Dusty Bryndal

NO EVIDENCE

I was diagnosed with breast cancer.
One month later, my son was hit
and killed by a late model, blue Ford F150 truck.
 
My former therapist said I was being struck
by the perfect storm.
You are in the middle of the perfect storm.
Whatever the fuck that meant.
 
It’s a scary feeling to learn you have cancer.
That goes without saying.
 
Thinking about it took up a lot of my mental energy—
there was a lot of fear and worry, and so many unknowns.
 
Then my son died and of course the cancer took a back seat.
 
At that point my feelings about cancer warped
and turned to anger. I thought it was
the stupid cancer that killed my son.
 
He was determined to go out and skate that day—
the day before my surgery. The day he died.
 
His friends told me this.
That he needed to get out on his board that day.
 
For a long time I chose not to—was determined not to—
write about it. The cancer, I mean. I guess subconsciously
I was trying to obliterate ever even having it.
 
You’ll find very little evidence
of my having cancer
in my journals.
I never posted on social media.
 
I never wrote about how terrifying the whole process
was, or about how sometimes I would stand transfixed,
staring at the huge glass etched sign outside the white brick building
on the corner, in the Upper East Side of Manhattan, that read:
“Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center.”
Cancer Center. I’d stand there, simply frozen, taking in those words.
 
I didn’t write about how appointments
overtook my life. The exhaustion of meeting with so many doctors.
The breast surgeon oncologist, the radiologist,
my general oncologist. The geneticist.
 
I didn’t write about all of the waiting. The agonizing waiting.
 
There was a health food store called Health Nuts:
I would stop in after every appointment to get a shot
of wheatgrass juice, and wonder how many people
from the cancer center two blocks down
had stepped in to get a wheatgrass shot.
 
I never wrote about how scared
I was of passing this on to my daughter.
Would she have to get her ovaries removed?
Her breasts?
 
Would I?
 
It all depended on genetic testing
that took two agonizing weeks to get results.
 
I remember the genetic counselor, her name was Julia.
It almost seemed like she was the type of person
who enjoyed handing out scary shit to people.
 
She told me how my type of cancer could jump
from breast to breast.
That it could possibly turn up in the other breast
before all was said and done.
 
She said that if I had a certain gene,
the cancer could spread to my stomach.
 
I asked her what I would do then?
 
You can’t remove my stomach.
 
I swear there was a gleam in her eye
when she responded: Oh, yes we can.
We can remove your stomach
and give you a manufactured one.
 
I remember going home on that Friday night
after meeting with her. I had had plans to do something,
but canceled. My husband was working late, so I sat alone
on the couch until the sun set and the house got dark,
tired and scared—crying it out before
I could pull myself up to make some dinner.
 
This was before Judah died. I was terrified
that I could pass it on to both children.
 
When I spoke this fear to my doctor, I could barely
choke out the words. But he understood through my sobs
and hand gestures that I was asking
the question: Will I pass this on?
 
I never wrote about the stage my cancer
had reached, 2B. The classification had to do with the size
of the tumor and the fact that it had moved further
into my breast from its original nesting point.
 
You won’t find any evidence of how the doctors
took me into a small conference room
and had me decide which treatment option
I wanted to take—how they showed me twenty years’ worth
of research to help me make my decision.
 
Did I want to do a lumpectomy?
It would preserve most of the breast,
but require radiation treatment.
 
Or, did I want to remove the breast completely,
and possibly not have to do any radiation?
Still I really wouldn’t even know that until they removed
my sentinel nodes during surgery.
 
I just wanted someone to tell me what to do.
 
I never wrote about the surgeon:
the very kind, caring, and good-at-her-job surgeon
with her long blonde hair and gentle hands
 
who was determined to leave my mangled breast
as pretty as possible, as she removed more and more
breast tissue, trying to get clean margins.
 
She had to get my permission to practice
a certain type of stitch that would
leave less scarring.
 
Judah was gone at this point
and I could not convey to her enough
how much I didn’t care.
 
There were student doctors at the cancer center
who took me into yet another small conference room
as my surgeon stood vigil
and asked if they could use my tumor for research.
 
I numbly signed the papers.
Yes, please use my tumor for science.
My kid is dead. I hate everything.
 
I never wrote about how I learned to visualize
my cancer as a black disk in my mind’s eye—
 
to be burned up by a white light.
I would meditate and form the black disc
in my mind and imagine a fire-like light,
 
like the surface of the sun,
slowly making its way over the disc, enveloping it.
 
I visualized the cancer retreating like this, every time
the worry threatened to overtake me. I used this method
while awaiting the results of an oncotype score—
 
the number that tells the doctors how aggressive
a tumor is, and what the likelihood of the cancer
returning would be, and whether I would need chemotherapy.
 
I used this light method again after the surgery
that removed my sentinel node and a few others
to find out if my cancer had spread.
 
Turns out, the cancer was only just beginning to spread.
I had micrometastasis, and hopefully, they said,
they had caught all of the cancerous nodes.
 
Again, the waiting. The waiting.
 
I never wrote about the integrative specialist
who discussed nutrition with me, and all the things
I needed to cut out of my diet now that I was trying
to remain cancer free.
 
Avoid gluten, dairy, sugar, white rice, white flour,
and alcohol, especially hard liquor.
 
She asked me how I would replace butter in my diet.
I looked at her like she was crazy.
I’m southern, I said. So that’s gonna be a no.
 
I was joking and partially relented to using
Earth Balance and coconut oil. But still.
 
I didn’t write about the radiation center
and the nine tiny tattoo dots
that framed the area around my left breast
just below my collar bone and down
 
to the top of my ribs,
made so that the radiation tech
would know exactly
where to direct the machine.
 
I had to learn how to do deep inspiration breath holds
so that I could hold my breath properly during treatment.
They needed my lungs to inflate and push my heart
away from my chest wall so as to decrease the possibility of
radiation damage to my heart.
 
I woke up at 4:45 a.m. and left the house
by 5:45 to make a 7:00 a.m. radiation appointment
in Manhattan.
 
I’d take the F train to Lex Ave and 63rd Street,
close to an hour from home. Some days I’d walk
in the freezing rain or snow, in the still dark morning.
 
All the while, mourning my son’s death.
All the while thinking: Judah, Judah, Judah.
I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.
 
By week two, I had what looked like a sunburn
and I was feeling fatigued after each treatment.
I needed to get ten hours of sleep each night
to feel normal the next day. My New Yorker
walking pace had slowed to the point where I had to tell friends
to slow down because I couldn’t keep up.
 
The radiation oncologist, a tall,
good looking man in a perfectly cut suit and tie,
never told me that I could have what looked
like third degree burns by the time
 
I was done with my five day “boost”
nearing the end of my treatment.
The boost radiation tech
panicked after my third dose,
and sent me to the burn unit.
 
There was a burn unit?
 
Yes, a whole unit dedicated to the burns
that one could incur during radiation. On my last day,
after ringing the bell for making it through,
my breast was so red and raw the tech took
me straight to the unit where a nurse
set me up with bandages, wraps, and silvadene.
 
My treatment was complete right at the beginning of spring break.
I had plans to fly down to Tennessee, and I kept them.
Little did I know that the radiation would continue
to cook my breast.
 
By the time I got there, my entire left breast
and the surrounding area was blistered and on fire.
A two-inch circumference around where my nipple
used to be was a giant, blistery burn.
There were burns under my breast and in my armpit.
 
Eventually my skin sloughed off and there were
open burn sores where the blistered areas had popped.
 
I was on The Farm with my granddaughter
and lifting her up to put her in a swing
on the newly built playground in the woods,
I could feel my skin ripping beneath the bandages.
 
What is wrong with me? I asked myself,
I should be home in my apartment on my couch resting.
I didn’t know it was going to be so bad.
 
Later that evening, I cried in the bathroom
with Judah’s grandmother Mary, as she helped me bandage my burns.
I watched her reflection through the bathroom mirror,
her kind eyes wide as she cried,
Oh Dusty, over and over. Oh Dusty!
 
I didn’t write how deflated the radiologist
looked after walking into the small exam room,
 
a little cocky as he sat down and leaned back
in his chair and stretched his feet out,
so confident as I met with him one year after treatment:
 
This is a time to celebrate, one year cancer free!
What’s to celebrate? I said. My kid is dead.
 

from Rattle #82, Winter 2023
Rattle Poetry Prize Finalist

__________

Dusty Bryndal: “I have written poetry all my life, but began building confidence as a writer and poet when my friend would make me read my poems out loud in her cozy, art-filled living room. I have since found a writing community who taught me that it is OK to write about the raw, ragged details of losing a child and that people want to read about sad things. For the last five years, writing poetry has helped shape my grief and my healing as I navigate the waters of my son’s tragic ending.” (web)

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February 12, 2024

Roberta Beary

SONNET #1: MY WAY

My husband likes to say that love is blind,
and little flaws are meant to be forgot.
This morning while washing out my thong
I checked his phone for texts, all is not fine
since I read them. Killing comes to mind.
The photos on his phone are steamy hot,
I didn’t recognize my best friend Charlotte,
all dolled up in black lace, the sex store kind.
My therapist would say forgive, move on
and I try my best but it’s not easy
although slicing up his boxers helped a bit
as did forwarding his boss those dick pix
from my husband’s phone. Love might be blind
to little flaws but not the cheating bastard kind.
 

from Rattle #82, Winter 2023
Rattle Poetry Prize Finalist

__________

Roberta Beary: “Age 15, I stumble upon a tattered anthology called The Book of Living Verse. It becomes my talisman. Saving my life again and again. In my forties, as one version of my life ends, my mantra is—Write Every Day, No Matter What Catastrophe. Twenty years on, I don’t know if I write to save others or myself. But I know the why doesn’t matter.” (web)

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February 9, 2024

Lisa Bass

MAKEUP

after C.K. Williams

We were afraid to jinx it, so when my daughter emerged
from her dark bedroom for the first time in what felt like months
and came to the table with her soft face caked in cosmetics,
we all stilled our gazes, made certain not to react,
except for her youngest sister, who’d been scarfing
a breakfast burrito, but now gasped then grimaced
and gestured with a burrito-holding hand toward desperate
layers of foundation, liquid cat-eye already cracking,
and my daughter’s face, hovering over her empty chair,
started to crumple until she stopped herself and instead
closed her eyes, then gently and with a focused intensity,
ran her fingertips across one overly contour-powdered cheekbone
and then the other, the way an astronaut, before releasing herself
from the confining safety of a pressurized airlock, must check
the seals on her unwieldy but necessary-for-survival space suit.
 

from Rattle #82, Winter 2023
Rattle Poetry Prize Finalist

__________

Lisa Bass: “I write poems for the thrill and comfort of finding out what I think and feel.” (web)

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February 7, 2024

River Adams

A LESSON IN METAPHOR

Another name for a penis is a microphone.
No one told me this. The radio had to pull me aside.
 
It’s a metaphor, of course. Anything a woman loves
can be made sexual. In this instance, singing
 
refers to giving pleasure. The voice is not involved.
Even in the safety of a simile, our voices are not our own.
 
A famous poet, a man, said for a metaphor
to be successful, the object has to bear
 
some resemblance to the new image.
For example, I am wearing a sweater the color
 
of wind chimes. A shade of reddish-brown
named by the designer. This metaphor fails.
 
My body, if cut down to be shaped
into a thing that makes music for someone else,
 
would not make a sound when it falls.
It does not make a sound as it leaves the room.
 

from Rattle #82, Winter 2023
Rattle Poetry Prize Finalist

__________

River Adams: “I started thinking more deeply about the crafting of metaphors after Ocean Vuong shared a lesson on his Instagram story. In the time since, I’ve heard three songs use this particular euphemism. Do I like the songs? Yes, but maybe we can put this phrase into retirement, or at least come up with an equivalent metaphor for vaginas.” (web)

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January 20, 2024

Devon Miller-Duggan

OLD BLUE

for my father

A thing that’s named “Old Blue” should be a dog,
some flop-eared, lazy hound. Your Blue was
just a car. Okay, not just a car—an Oldsmobile
from back before we believed fuel was scarce,
from back when men made cars for men with lots of kids
and fathers piled their kids into their cars and
spent their Sundays on back roads, going
nowhere other than to see what could be seen from roads.

Your Blue drove like a frigate cut the waves,
and you loved Blue enough, and roads enough,
and seeing what was out along the roads
enough that you and Blue took trips alone—
you’d head out west or north, just you and Blue,
and stop to read the paragraphs on signs—
“PITTSBURGH: Gateway to the West,”
“HENRY M. LELAND: Designer of Cadillac and Lincoln cars …”
“The Haven peach varieties were developed here by …”
“Just off the Highway to Rochester, Minnesota …”

You’d rise at dawn and drive to dark
and eat the buffalo or chowder in the diners
by the secondary roads. Gone for
weeks, alone except for strangers you’d
charm into friends-along-the-way,
pocketing their stories and then sharing
one or two with us when you came home.

They took your body out, the hearse parked
right behind Old Blue. It’d been months
since you could drive—the cancer in your skin
turned inward toward your brain. I haven’t asked
who gets Old Blue. Your wife would think
I wanted it. You’d think my not asking meant
I didn’t know how much it meant, or didn’t care.

Here’s my wish: you at Blue’s wheel,
your elbow on the open window frame,
unpoliced and doing 80 on a rolling road toward mountains.
The sky’s almost as blue and shining as Old Blue, and
up ahead a marker by the road retells a story you will
laugh at, and a diner waits. The locals love your stories—
you tell the one about how many ways you invented
to peel potatoes when you had KP as a private—and
the waitress flirts and looks like Mitzi Gaynor,
and the peaches in the pie you have with breakfast
hit your tongue with all the buttered sweetness you can bear,
and Blue runs like a mythic athlete, and
every state you cross takes you away from me.

from Rattle #34, Winter 2010
Rattle Poetry Prize Honorable Mention

__________

Devon Miller-Duggan: “After 25 years of teaching everything from a class on Fisher King mythology to comparative lit. surveys, I am finally (having at last gotten a book out) teaching creative writing, and for all the debates about whether it’s good for writers to teach writing and whether it can be taught at all, I just plain love it. That being said, my most recent ‘accomplishment’ is probably having gotten up in time to start the monastic day at 4:00 a.m. at Christ in the Desert, and having done the whole cycle, including singing antiphonally in Latin and weeding the hops field—all of which only added a layer of certainty to my conviction that I am about as unfit for a monastic life as it’s possible to be.”

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December 25, 2023

Chris Anderson

LIVING THE CHEMICAL LIFE

I have to admit that I don’t care about the historical Jesus.
One way or the other.
I’ve always thought there were larger forces at work.
The sun and the wind. The sadness that comes in the afternoon.
Did you know that our bones are only 10 years old?
No matter how old we are, it’s always the same.
Something to do with cells, I guess. With regeneration.
There are miracles like this all over the place,
in everybody’s bloodstream, and that’s alright with me.
Doris Day was once marooned on an island with another man.
Years went by and her husband, James Garner,
was about to marry another woman. Polly Bergen.
But then Doris came back and sang a lullaby to her kids,
then tucked them into bed. And they didn’t even know who she was.
I think that life is just like this.
Sometimes we are the stone and the Spirit is the river.
Sometimes we are the mountain and the Spirit is the rain.

from Rattle #28, Winter 2007
Rattle Poetry Prize Finalist

__________

Chris Anderson: “I am an English Professor at Oregon State University, but I am also a Catholic deacon, and my poetry is one result of the free association and spontaneity of lectio divina, the kind of prayer I practice every morning. In lectio you leap, and in leaping poetry, of course, you leap, and what I love about that is how there’s this mystery, this other story you don’t really understand, bigger than your own, that somehow gets implied in the gaps and jumps. Maybe a poem like ‘Living the Chemical Life’ would seem irreverent to a believer, but for me it’s not at all. It’s joyous. It’s one way of letting the Spirit move.” (web)

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