June 25, 2022

Michelle Bitting

THE SACRIFICE

I think about how you stayed up nights, Mother,
drinking coffee at your sewing machine.
The time you never went to bed
finishing my Isadora Duncan costume—
diaphanous number cut from a swell of black crepe
for the mad-grief dance after her children accidentally drowned.
Remember waking to find the garment realized—
dark offering you draped across the ironing board,
the fastidiously stitched seams that stroked
my just-coming curves so I’d be beautiful,
drunk in the lights of my junior high stage,
and you out there in the hushed cool of your reserved seat,
hands folded, resting now, the little bobbin of your heart
spinning inside its quiet nook while you watched me
do the hard, privileged work of feeling for both of us.

from Rattle #27, Summer 2007

__________

Michelle Bitting: “I was at a workshop in Florida writing this poem, halfway into it, had conjured Isadora and the sewing element. I decided to do a little extra online research into Ms. Duncan’s life. Lo and behold the father of her children was none other than Eugene Singer, the sewing machine tycoon. Synchronicity: I knew I was on the right track.” (web)

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June 27, 2021

Michelle Bitting

COWS ESCAPE SLAUGHTERHOUSE, STAMPEDE THROUGH CALIFORNIA NEIGHBORHOOD

Well, who hasn’t dreamt
of busting the barn door
down, shoving
the iron gate wide,
dust kicking up faces
of whatever beast
presumed itself ruler
of you, decider
with a rope and knife,
buzz saw gleaming
sharp and round
in the eye of its killing hand.
It’s easy to forget
the suffering of others
when the meat’s so juicy
and fresh, which
I’m sure wasn’t
my father’s intention
when he stuck his fork
in our plates without asking,
his fist
through my bathroom door
when, disgusted, I fled
the table of family feasting.
Blood should beat free
and warm through
the feet of creatures
clacking down streets
of their sunnier mornings,
something green
and granular still sweet
in their cuspated
teeth—a cool drink lapped
from faucets along
the lushest way. How
isn’t breath a gift
we’re born to relish?
And at night, where
a slow drift of stars
drizzles honey for children
to doze to, how
about the open dream
of witchery enough
for leaping moons
clean over—
away from death—
just as fast and far
as your slender legs can.

from Poets Respond
June 27, 2021

__________

Michelle Bitting: “Breaking news: I’m on their side …” (web)

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May 22, 2021

Michelle Bitting

WHEN HE DOESN’T GET THE JOB

And the only mail that comes is from people wanting money, I look out the window at two pink blooms—wild lilies—their long, alien stems out of nowhere touched down on an ivy bank I’m told rats nest in when you don’t trim it. If only to think garlands, perfumed thoughts about us—the wrestled years, rocky soil and thriving anyway, like these two mulish plants; every day the marriage opening its eyes, sitting up to take another sip of air. And noting each bud’s meaty cup, rosy star-shaped sphincter, how the flesh mirrors mine where he still hunkers down to kiss each glazed petal, the snail trail of licks—groundswell when he takes the whole warm fruit inside—nibbling slowly, gently, I’m scared there won’t be enough, the way I’m scared now, only the feeling switched, ingrown, such a vicious creature, would rather gnaw its own tail than go without a meal. There it sits, sucking its teeth, grubbing the ivy for one fat crumb. Nose to the mud, an enemy of day, the unbid brightness bursting around. Have you heard about the girl, fed her spite when faced with cutbacks? How the green leaves quivered:
there’ll never be enough
there’ll never be enough

from Rattle #24, Winter 2005

__________

Michelle Bitting: “I wrote this poem on a hot, stagnant day mid-summer. We had little money and no plans for a vacation whatsoever. I was pissed but it was lovely outside and I didn’t want to feel empty and without. So I pulled this little rabbit from my hat hoping to make some sense and beauty out of nothing. Maybe I was successful.”

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March 21, 2017

Michelle Bitting

LABOR AND DELIVERY

She leads me down a corridor—an older woman in green pajamas, away from the slick tile and smart upholstery of the waiting area, towards the “fully licensed operating room” hiding on the other side. I’ve been longing to see it, the same way when I was a young girl I’d watch Whatever Happened To Baby Jane even though I wasn’t supposed to, fascinated by the freakish characters and their secret lives. We step into a changing room with lockers and a gurney. She hands me booties, a shower cap, and a paper gown, asks me if I’m warm enough, and then leaves so I can change. I strip to my waist and wrap the flimsy tunic around my middle, pissed I have to expose so much when it’s just my fucking nose that needs fixing. This pre-cancer shit I’m told only a plastic surgeon can handle, due to the delicate angle on the bridge of my nose. She knocks, and I follow her down another hall, another set of doors that open into a much larger room with hospital beds and monitors lined up on one side. I flash on the last time I was in a hospital: seven and a half months ago when my baby girl was born, when I spent a night and a day in labor and delivery, working every ounce of me to push a bright ball through the narrow slit between my legs, as if her exit could ever keep away the disease, the terminal nature of loving, whose cells would only multiply over time and eventually divide us, like walls, without our even knowing it was happening.

from Rattle #16, Winter 2001

__________

Michelle Bitting: “Most of my early poems were about motherhood and dealing with my brother’s death. The psychological compression of suddenly being ‘confined’ with a baby triggered a survival-instinct need to write, I mean, it really was a lightening to the skull kind of phenomenon. The release and freedom and wisdom that I gleaned through the journey inside made life bearable, and miraculously, my little world of triumphs and trials became relevant to more than just me.” (website)

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September 30, 2013

Review by Michelle BittingThe Silence Teacher by Robert Peake

THE SILENCE TEACHER
by Robert Peake

Poetry Salzburg
c/o Dr. Wolfgang Görtschacher
University of Salzburg
Department of English and American Studies
Erzabt-Klotz-Str. 1
5020 Salzburg
AUSTRIA
ISBN 978-3-901993-37-4
2013, 32 pp., $7.00
www.poetrysalzburg.com

 

                 We inhabit
the shell of the world,
and carry it gently.

It carries us too,
the echoing stairwell,
the empty glass aflame.

          —Robert Peake, from “Piece Work”

When I first met Robert Peake, he was still in the early stages of mourning the loss of his infant son, James Valentine, to whom The Silence Teacher, his gorgeous new collection is dedicated. I was immediately struck by Robert’s depth of knowledge, quick wit and skill as a poet—a talented wordsmith with a deep emotional register and intellectual acuity—a writer capable of feeling much and wielding precise language in order to reveal the beautiful, wounded worlds spinning inside and around him.

The Silence Teacher lives up to this author’s reputation as a keen, sentient observer and is a heroic account of a father’s journey dealing with death. As the title suggests, silence becomes an element, like water or music, to measure and express the unfathomable grief of losing a child: “The music within me is quiet, but persistent./ One day, like you, I will return to being the song./ Beneath my eyelids, too, runs the sound of water.”

Peake deftly weaves this concept throughout the book, mining absence and anguish for the glittering trove it has to offer. As Nietzche once said, “Truth is a mobile army of metaphors,” and Peake knows how to arm himself for the battle of surviving the inconceivable, beginning with the literal silence of the hospital room and infant son the moment his tiny life ceases. From the title poem “The Silence Teacher”:

Grief’s small hands cupped before me,
reliving the news of our infant son’s tests,
his brain as quiet as her soundless sea,

and still as winter in a robin’s nest,
I did not say: I was the one who held him last
until the ticking heart stopped in his chest

or what that silence taught, and how it pressed.

Here, from the start, I was enveloped in Peake’s spell, listening with him to the sounds of silence, hyper-aware of the opposing tension of this bereft parent’s primal scream held deep inside as he attempts to carry on with the routine of daily life, “the hum of the living still buzzing around my ears.” Whether describing the image of deer prints left in snow when his wife was still pregnant, feeling the anvil-weight silence of friends and strangers who struggle, not knowing how to respond (What can one say? What words could ever address such gravity?), or the strange comfort of bright carp swimming noiselessly around a koi pond—silence is everywhere, and like his small son’s life, it is both dead cold and white hot, blazing up “like sun upon the sea.”

At times, I’ve known Robert Peake to exhibit a delightfully dry sense of humor, as well as an appreciation of games and small creatures—assets he artfully employs to aid him in understanding personal tragedy. In poems like “Traction” and “Runt,” I valued such wisps of humor—miraculously intact—and the smart way he reflects on past experiences with children and animals to help him claim ultimate allegiance to the life force that “flashes up like an Olympian bolt” even as he struggles to put one traumatized foot in front of the other.

There is a subtle arc to the mourning process in The Silence Teacher. A pivotal moment comes with the poem “Visitation of the Wild Man,” a master and novitiate-type confrontation Peake imagines with a savage, wise elder who helps the speaker wrestle his way into new frontiers of understanding and acceptance. The Wild Man, a persona energy of the author himself, says it all: “’Confess and claim—you need/ to express this mystery,’ he smiled, ‘and fail—but do it well.’”

At one point in Elegy, a book that deals with the loss of her grown son, poet Mary Jo Bang concludes that “life is an experience”—a seemingly oversimplified expression given such grave stakes. But this is no pat epiphany, and as with Peake, is rather an extraordinary, frightfully tenuous revelation the author claims through surrender to both the sensual fullness of the everyday physical world and what is glaringly empty and absent in the wake of loss. Stumbling forward through silence,  a parent must carry the excruciating burden of telling his story, of passing it on with vulnerability to the truth—not acceptance entirely; because, after all, we will never stop loving our lost beloveds—but with an ember of will kept alive to honor memory and keep going. Perhaps, in the end,  it is simply this that one is left with, as Peake, with breathtaking delicacy puts it:

Tie a message to my foot. I will assume
my place in the ariel formation. Let me
be a single snowflake in that flurry.

__________

Michelle Bitting grew up near the Pacific Ocean and has work published or forthcoming in The American Poetry Review, Prairie Schooner, Narrative, River Styx, Crab Orchard Review, diode, Rattle, Linebreak, the L.A. Weekly, and others. Poems have appeared on Poetry Daily and as the Weekly Feature on Verse Daily. Thomas Lux chose her full-length manuscript, Good Friday Kiss, as the winner of the DeNovo First Book Award and C & R Press published it in 2008. Her book, Notes to the Beloved, won the 2011 Sacramento Poetry Center Award and was published in 2012. Michelle has taught poetry in the U.C.L.A. Extension Writer’s Program, at Twin Towers prison with a grant from Poets & Writers Magazine and is proud to be an active California Poet in the Schools. She holds an MFA in Poetry from Pacific University, Oregon, and recently commenced work on a PhD in Mythological Studies at Pacifica Graduate Institute. She lives in Los Angeles with her husband, actor Phil Abrams and their two children. (www.michellebitting.com)

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July 3, 2010

Michelle Bitting

SILENCE TOOK MY TONGUE WHEN MY BROTHER WENT

Silence took my tongue when my brother went
away, now words are skittery rabbits: soft,
furry lumps huddled in my throat’s dry den.
I wait for him at breakfast where the clock
clicks its mean teeth, wait for him to tease me,
please Lord, anything, but his empty chair
staring back: a hard, narrow beast. Scary
to know one hundred sixteen children there
and then not. Scary the ambulances,
lights that would not end, turning the street blue.
Now I won’t leave Father’s side; who knows when
earth might tumble open, swallow him, too?
You know the queen flew here; kneeled down and prayed,
left a fancy white wreath on brother’s grave.

from Rattle #32, Winter 2009
Tribute to the Sonnet

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June 3, 2010

Michelle Bitting

MAMMARY

Hawks circle fields near the highway
homing in to catch the scent
of animals deep in the high dry grass.
So many wildflowers in bloom,
watery purples and acid yellows,
I’m dizzy in my car
blazing up the California coast:
Santa Barbara, Pismo, Salinas,
nicknamed The salad bowl of the world
with its patchwork plots
of endive and spinach,
the almighty artichoke
in whose honor Norma Jean Baker
was once crowned queen.
So fresh in her red gingham blouse,
remember? Her elation,
her perky, generous D cups
held up to the leafy bulbs
as everyone cheered. If only
it stayed so rosy, the tough layers
unstripped, the heart left intact.
If only you weren’t topless
on a gurney, Rachel,
under the scouring glare
of hospital lights,
your own sweet breasts
offered up to the surgeon’s blade.
A hundred miles north
of where you are right now
I’m a slave to this shifting view,
anything to avoid the thought
of your chest picked clean,
tender globes that fed three mouths,
now poison the body’s crop.
So I’ll imagine birds and flight
as the elliptical sweep of sharpness
cuts the pale sky of your chest,
steel beaks of surgical tools
carving out the flesh cream,
making smoke of tumor meat—say goodbye,
pay my respects
and picture them floating up,
slipping through the ceiling cracks,
two blond angels,
flying out
beyond the moon’s milky scar,
they spread their innocence
over the lustrous scrim of L.A.,
those brave, radiant girls
wave and then they’re gone.

from Rattle #32, Winter 2009
2009 Rattle Poetry Prize Honorable Mention

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