Robert Funge

WHY I AM NOT A SCIENTIST

Now that science has discovered that cod
get seasick in a storm, and that halibut
(and probably other fish—they’re waiting

on a federal grant of five million
to study the subject) pass gas, perhaps
it’s time to move on. We don’t really know

how salmon change sex
when the going gets tough, how the swan
finds a mate for life, or the swallow

Capistrano. And there must be more to learn
about the hibernation of bears, and why the Cubs
can’t win a pennant. Let’s find out why

the whale beaches itself,
the drinking habits of certain birds,
and how the monarch takes four generations

to migrate north, then another four
back south, and how each generation
returns on time to a place they’d never been.

How can they remember what they never knew?
when in one generation I can’t remember
where I left my keys. Let’s study that.

Let’s study why the long forgotten
flashes into a mind that goes blank
on what he had for breakfast, and mixes

the names of his grandchildren. Let’s determine
why an otherwise serious poet doodles
gibberish when he could be creating

esoteric balderdash. Or better yet
let’s just study that which retards
the advancement of our civilization,

like spending five million on seasick cod
and flatulent halibut, or half a minute
on a bored poet with equally bad habits.

–from Rattle #26, Winter 2006

§ 2 Responses to “Why I Am Not a Scientist” by Robert Funge

• jp says:

  October 15, 2008 at 3:18 am

  Well, I dont agree with this poem here.

  First of all behavioural and cognitive science actually do study some of the things he wants studied.

  And oddly science is not a panacea for what ails our civilization.

  Poetry sometimes claims to be so, but hey, civilization still ails.

  And the poet shows the classic failure of imagination of the supposedly artistic by refusing to believe research into farting fish can be useful one day in some unexpected way. Or even for itself.

  Real reason why Robert Funge is not a scientist: lack of imagination?

  (Yes I take both science and poetry too seriously.)

  Reply
• Daria says:

  October 15, 2008 at 2:16 pm

  obviously, jp is neither a poet or a scientist, since he missed the boat on all counts.

  more robert funge, please.

  Reply